How Do I Get From Here to There? Male Versus Female Thought Processes
I want to point out again that I’m dealing in generalities here, so what I say may not be true for every guy, every time. It may not even be true for the same guy, every time. But overall, these are some insights that may help you make your male characters more realistic. So here’s my male thinking checklist.

First of all, guys think about most things as problems to be solved. This is one reason why guys get so upset when women come to us, crying about something, in search of sympathy. We don’t think about sympathy, we think about trying to fix it. It is especially frustrating when it’s something we can’t fix—that feeling of helplessness makes men even more defensive. This can lead to conflict, and conflict is plot.

This problem-solution mindset also lends to men being very goal-driven and thinking about things in a linear, cause/effect fashion. The title for this lesson came from one of the few things I argue with my fiancée about—directions. For men, we need the bare minimum. Route numbers and general directions are usually enough. Turn right onto route 95 south, go a few miles until you see route 309 east, and take that the rest of the way.

My fiancée, on the other hand, likes to give me landmarks, what I should pass where, and what I will see if I’ve gone too far. For example, “There will be a flower shop on the left and a bridal boutique on the right, and then there’s a gas station (it’s either an Exxon or a BP) about three point eight miles up on the left, and if you pass the bologna factory you’ve gone too far unless you want to go the back way, in which case you can just turn left there.” It ends up frustrating both of us, because I don’t need all of that extra detail and it actually confuses me – I keep thinking that I’ve gone too far, or that there are more turns than there actually are, because of all the landmarks I’m supposed to look out for.

I think any discussion of male thinking needs to cover how we think about women. It’s not always nice, or pretty. I remember critiquing a romance in grad school where the author had a car mechanic describing the women who’d just brought her car in to one of his buddies in the back of the shop. It was a nice scene, full of flowery descriptions and tender words of love. Every man in the group heaved a collective groan.

I know that romances are tricky, because the reason why people read them is for an escape from reality. Still, I think in this case the writer should have made it just a little more realistic. It is a delicate balancing act, though, because making the scene absolutely true-to-life would have lost most of her intended audience. Guys describe women to each other in some pretty coarse terms.

When guys think about women, the woman’s physical attributes come first, then vivid adolescent fantasies of what might happen were the woman to give in to his (very witty, in the nature of “Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven, my angel?”) overtures and experience the power of his love making.

Later, he might think about her intelligence, or sense of humor, or how she would make him happy for the rest of his life. But this is never the first thought, and when describing her or talking to his friends about her, men very rarely get past the first two things and on to the latter musings.

One way to balance reality with fiction is to show that the hero is acting differently this time. Here’s an example, using the setup above: Vince, our hero, is talking to Tommy about a recent customer at the garage where they work.

“Did you see that chick?” Tommy asked. “Man, would I like to lube her chassis.”

“Come on, Tom, knock it off. She seemed like a nice young lady.”

“You feeling ok? You got a fever or something? 'Nice young lady'? That’s rich, coming from you, the king of dirty jokes. What gives?”

Vince thought about Susan, the way she’d smiled, those eyes. The rest of the package was great, too, but what he kept coming back to was her laugh, soft and breezy, and the brief brush of her skin when she’d handed him her keys. But there was no way he could say that stuff to Tommy.

“Nothing, I just think maybe…”

“Oh, man, I can’t believe it. You’re falling for her!”

“I am not,” Vince said, but he bent down to look under the car, hoping that his friend wouldn’t see the blush he felt burning on his cheeks.

“Give it up, pal, she’s out of your league.”

He’s right, Vince thought. But the facts didn’t matter, couldn’t stop her face from filling his mind.

Speaking of friends, guys’ thoughts about friendship are often murky to those outside of the beer-soaked circle of men. As men, the better friends you are, the more you are likely to mock your buddy and make fun of him. This can be one reason why guys suddenly clam up when they’re talking to their wives/girlfriends and their male friends are around. If another guy were to overhear you talking romantically, you could be the subject of their jokes and mockery for days, weeks, months—sometimes, even years.

The male hierarchy is similar to apes walking around beating their chests, and men who are sweet and kind in private can become different beings altogether when they’re with their friends.

The final item I want to put out there is that for all this talk about the male thought process, sometimes it isn’t all that complex. Many a guy, after a heartfelt chat about some sticky relationship issue, or after a knock-down drag-out fight, has been asked, “What are you thinking about?”

It’s always a dangerous question, because the honest answer is very often sure to dissatisfy the person asking it. Many times, the answer might truthfully be any one of the following: “Nothing,” “Getting a meatball sub,” “How I have to go to the bathroom,” “Whether or not we’re now going to have sex now.”

Obviously, guys learn pretty quickly not to tell the truth—Darwin’s survival of the fittest was some pretty deep thinking for a dude—but deep down inside, this is usually what’s (not) going on in their heads.

I know this is just a cursory glance, and a bit simplistic, but I hope you can use these items as a jumping off point for making sure your manly character stays true to his gender roots. In order to help you along, here is the assignment for this week.

In the lesson, I talked about directions and how it’s caused a few altercations in my relationship.

I’d like you to pick a couple of nearby well-known public places. Write down directions you’d give somebody to get from one to the other. Then, ask two friends (one a man, one a woman) to do the same.

Talk about what makes them different, and rather or not the results are surprising. Make sure to tell your friends it’s a writing experiment so they don’t just Mapquest them, and make sure they write them down rather than just telling them to you, since writing is slightly more representative of the internal thought process.

Also, in case you’ve ever wondered if there really is a difference in how men and women think, recent scientific studies seem to bear this theory out. For one example, see this link: http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/050120_brain_sex.html.

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